FEAR

What is fear?
A painful emotion or passion excited by the expectation of evil, or the apprehension of impending danger; apprehension; anxiety; solicitude; alarm; dread. Fear is a chain reaction in the brain that starts with a stressful stimulus and ends with the release of chemicals that cause a racing heart, fast breathing and energized muscles among other things, also known as the fight-or-flight response. The stimulus could be a spider, a knife at your throat, an auditorium full of people waiting for you to speak or the sudden thud of your front door against the door frame.

I always thought fear belonged to others...right until on a Sunday night when I was laying in my bed back in November. I don't mean like the fear you feel when you are afraid of a spider, or get startled because someone you were not expecting jumps in front of you...
I mean gut wrenching fear, evil...life changing...

4 months ago I began a fight with a circumstance that could possibly forever change my life. I let fear consume me because for a moment there I doubted the one thing that held me together...GOD. Yes I am human after all...and very weak at times.

As I've been traveling this road of uncertainty, I have had more downs than up because I let my thoughts control me. And as the days and weeks went by the fear became so severe that It became affecting who I was, who I always wanted to be. It's funny because from then on, one bad circumstance after the other started happening...It was like a never ending fight for survival.

When evil gets a hold of your thoughts It is really hard to get back on track, and on some days I felt juts like Job did...

Job 3:25-26 "What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil."

I truly believed that God strategically places people in you life for a reason. He has without a doubt, placed some of the most magnificent group of people in my life. They have been there for me without judging me, praying for me and guiding my way back to where i used to be. The fear inside of me began to fade thanks to the prayers and God's amazing grace. God lovingly reminded me that he had never let go of me, that during this turmoil I was ALWAYS in his arms and that he NEVER once left me. When evil don't win...evil gets angry and it will do anything in his power to get a grip once again of your life, and take hold of everything that brings you closer to God.

I am happy to say that I have found my way back and don't ever want to be there again. Like I said before, the fight for my life has lasted a long time. About two weeks ago I had to be rushed to an OR (operating room) during what I thought would be a routine procedure, because I had uncontrollable bleeding. Like I said evil does not like to loose...

I always wondered if it would be like a movie, it actually kind of felt that way. As I sat at that table and my husband watched me bleed out...fear began to set in once again. The doctor ran in and said something to me that reminded me of God's amazing love and grace...It was like God was talking directly to me through that doctor...as i took my first deep breath right before I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack he said " Take a deep breath,don't be afraid, I will take care of you" and then I looked at him and It was almost immediately that the same fear that almost took over me had disappeared in a matter of seconds. At that moment regardless of the results of that exam or the surgery I was going to have...I KNEW that everything was going to ok.

Psalm 34:4
I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

My God is faithful.

I am happy to say that I am on my way to recovery and I know that even when I am caught in the midst of a storm my God will be right there with me...

Why I Love My Husband

My last week meltdown really brought me down to think of how grateful I am to have my husband. There are many reasons why God brought us together, and many reasons why I love him. I decided to write out a list of reasons why I love my husband including what he does for me to make me happy. I am truly blessed as you will see...

1. He still opens doors for me
2.He rubs my back so I can go to sleep at night
3.He kisses on me even when I am in a bad mood
4.He packs my lunch
5.He always ends his conversations with "I love you"
6.He will go out of his way to make me happy
7.He buys me flowers
8.He is a loving father
9.He laughs at my jokes and I love the way he laughs
10.He encourages me to follow my dreams
11. He forgives me when I am wrong
12.He buys my favorite drinks/snacks for me
13.He calls me randomly just to tell me he loves me
14.He cooks when I don't feel like cooking (without burning the house down)
15.He usually gives me possession of the remote control ;)
16.He willingly watches sappy chick flicks with me
17.He sometimes brushes my hair after the shower
18.He doesn’t complain when I bring him with me to go shopping
19. He helps me raise our daughter…he’s truly a partner
20.He lets me do some different projects to keep me from getting bored around here, and then picks up the pieces for me
21.He ALWAYS takes out the trash
22.He gets really excited when I buy him music
23.He doesn’t need the latest and greatest of everything to stay happy–is committed to trying to keep thing simple as possible so we can just enjoy family.
24.He runs any errand I ask him to without hesitation or complaints
25.He ALWAYS helps me clean the house
26.He loves God
27. He uses his spiritual gifts and likes to serve others and makes me proud.
28.He brings out the best in me
29.He will wake up in the middle of the night just to go get something I am craving.
30.He gets excited about the things that I get excited about
31.When I run out of steam, he picks up and gets going. I love him for that, and don’t deserve it at all.
32.He has such a HUGE positive insight on everything
33.He worships whole-heartedly beside me; how empowering to my faith .
34.He takes me on dates
35.He holds my hand when we go out and about
36.He always praises my cooking
37.He irons my clothes every morning
38.He picks out a coat for me to wear on cold days and help me put it on before I go outside
39.He yells "I love you babe" out the window when he drops me off at work
40.He loves my family and loves to go over to my mom's house
41.He always thinks of others before himself
42.He wakes up early to read his bible EVERYDAY
43.He can't wait to go to church every Sunday
44.He hardly ever says NO to me (sometimes dangerous but fun!)
45.He will willingly take us sky diving even though he is afraid of heights just because he know I want to do it.
46.He cuddles with me
47.He is always willing to help
48.He loves me even when I go crazy
49.He tells me I am funny and that he loves me because of it
50.He always tries to find an opportunity to share the gospel with non-believers

I love him so much.

The madness inside my head.

Friday was an ok day...i had a doctor's appointment and then went home. I was not happy about the news and honestly a little scared about it. But over all it was an ok day...

Saturday was great. My not so romantic husband attempted to be romantic by making a delicious meal at home. Flowers and candles on the table...it was wonderful...I love him so much for trying.

Sunday morning...It was horrible. I have no idea how it began, but all i knew is that i had an anxiety attack, i was crying and having a complete meltdown and felt like i could not breathe. My husband not knowin what to do decided to ignore it, which in return made it worse. I began to think all these awful things like how my husband didn't care about me and how i could possibly die of an unknown illness that i could very well have, and how we where never going to make it...and on and on. I started crying so hard that it was so hard for me to breathe. What the heck was wrong with me????
A long time ago, i suffered from anxiety and it was not pretty. I avoided social situations because i never knew when i was going to have an attack and i did not want to be embarrassed. My doctor said that stress can bring them on...the thing is i don't feel that stressed. I am a little worried but nothing like i used too. Nevertheless i managed to ruin our Sunday with my little episode. I don't blame my husband for wanting to run away, but at the same time i needed him to tell me it was ok, that he was going to protect me ,encourage me, and most of all love me.

After the episode i could not open my eyes...they were so swollen from me crying. I began thinking of how awful i must have been to my husband. I apologized for ruining his Sunday and for being awful to him...he looked at me and said "there is nothing to be sorry about...i love you and am here for you". Those simple words could have been the saving grace at the beginning of all of this...but it was not until the end that he figured out how to calm all the madness in my head. And from that we have grown....

I love my husband. Even though he doesn't always have the right words at the right time, he always figures it out...and he loves me even when i am crazy.

The year ahead.

There has definitely been a lot of ups and downs this last year it has been a year of great growth. God has broke me down, restored me and renewed me in so many ways. I am very grateful for everything that he has shown me in this last short year.

I got to say that I have finally settled in to my job...change is hard and it was SURE hard for me. I had to mold myself and realize that if I was going to succeed I had to make sure that people knew where I stood in my beliefs and do the very best job that I could possibly do. The girl that yelled at me the first week has ended up being a really good acquaintance/teacher, I have gotten to know her and she is very sweet and supportive. She gives me a lot of feed back and she knows I want nothing but to do great job...so now I can go to her when I have a question and she is willing to help me. Funny isn't it?...trust me... a lot of prayer went into that one.

God has also led me to a church called SEVEN this last year, and I have met many amazing people that are now part of my growth. I am most of the time quiet and shy and the personalities at the church have helped me come out of my box. They are amazingly loving people and I always feel at home there. I know that God wanted me to come out of the box I tend to hide myself in and he has placed all those wonderful people around me for that purpose.

I look forward to another year of learning and growth. I have to be patient, I still have a lot of growing to do...

I can't wait! I'm in God's hands! How exciting!!!

In every up and down there is a lesson to be learned and I pray that I don't miss the messages that God is sending me this year...

Wings to Fly...

"I can never see you doing anything else" "You are so wonderful with the kids"

Those where the words of a parent a few days ago. I really liked that kind of stuff, you know it made me feel good. I helped me realize that I was doing a good job.

A year ago I had given myself a time limit on how long I was going to teach..."3 years I said"...then it's time to fly! But the thing is that I was already burnt out, I was tired of teaching and I wanted out. It had been a real roller coaster of emotions because I had been working at the same place for so many years. I had grown there, built many wonderful relationships, had many hilarious children stories and on and on...but I was not happy.

Change is hard, and there is certainly changes happening at my job...changes that a lot of people decided that were not going to stick around for...including me. I was scared to go anywhere, even the idea of leaving my job scared my socks of. I learned to tell myself that there was no way I could make it out there, or that there was a chance that I could make it anywhere else.

That was until a few weeks ago when I applied for another job...there was sense of accomplishment just in applying. I finally began believing that there was a chance for me to come out of the box I've been hiding in. I had no idea if they would even consider since i had no previous experience in anything other than children...to my surprise they called me back.

I had my first interview on Wednesday Oct. 29th, they said "we will let you know next week" and by 3:30 pm Friday Oct. 31st I was being offered a new job. So much for next week. I could not believe what I was about to do...but I did it. I accepted the job and now I am leaving the place I have been working at for 8years. The same place I did so much personal growing and had so much history in. I'm afraid...so afraid of failing. My husband is so wise and said to me "If God didn't want you to have this job he would have not opened the door" that gave me some peace...I still have dreams though...I see myself walking out of that building and looking back and falling apart...I know....sad.....but I have such an attachment to this place. I prayed and prayed and I decided that no matter how much fear may be in my heart I will do this...

"I will throw myself out there trusting that God will give me wings to fly"

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.