Digging deep

I was laying on my bed thinking about a few of the things that God has taught me over the years...and this is one of the ones I felt he was telling me to write about...don't know why...but I will be obedient, so here we go....

Though the years as I've walked with God i discovered a lot of things about myself. I've discovered that what comes out of my mouth comes from my heart, I've discovered that a lot of my crying has been a part of a healing process that many times I forbid my self to have, and I've discovered that I'm a bigger softy than I was.

I have always been known as the "honest one"...actually way too honest. Friends used to tell me that I had no buffer when it came to my opinion. And they were right. I was never afraid of saying what I was thinking, or what was going thought my mind no matter whose feelings were hurt. I believed that there was no point in trying to pretend to like something or a person, if i didn't like it i said it. Many times I was told "I was a afraid of you"...Of course now I know that I was wrong.
Quite a few years ago my husband and I took a ministry gifts test at our old church. On of my main gifts according to that test was that gift of exaltation...can you believe that? I laughed so hard and then...I was confused. I said to myself how am I going to encourage people if I NEVER have anything nice to say.

I showed the test to one my husbands aunts who is a missionary in Africa, I figured she would tell me the test was wrong or that I needed to take it again. I was really looking for some sort of guidance....To my surprise this is what she said "God has a lot of work to do with you" and "You needed to learn how to speak to your husband, you are not his mother...you are his wife"...oh yes!! you read that right! I was livid!!! I was always taught to respect my elders so I bit my tongue...until we got in the car to go home that is. I remember crying and yelling at my husband and telling him "who does she think she is?!!" "she doesn't know how WE joke around" "she doesn't know anything about me" "how dare she judge me and tell me that I am a bad wife???!"...For the first time I had gotten a little bit of my own medicine, and it was a though pill to swallow...I resented her for many years, and I avoided going to see her at all cost.

Now as I look back and I replay what happened that day, I know now what she was really trying to say to me...My heart was as hard a rock during that time, and everything that came out of my mouth was like a poison.

Luke 6:45
The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

I know NOW that what she said that day was out of love not out of judgment. I wasn't until about four years ago that I allowed God to dig deep into my heart and pull out all those weeds that were taking over my heart. I had a lot of pain in my heart from my past, and I was using my mouth as defense mechanism. I used to think that getting emotional was for the weak. I remember right after I decided to let God in I could not stop crying...I asked one of my dear friends "what the heck is happening to me??" she said "it's all part of the healing process" then she handed me a book by Joyce Mayer called "Finding Peace for Your Heart". I spent the next few weeks reading it and asking God to soften my heart...It was then that I completely understood the damage I had caused my husband with my words. I understood how I was dishonoring God by dishonoring my husband and I felt horrible.

I apologized to my husband for being and awful wife, I asked God for forgiveness and I decided that would no longer let the weeds take over the magnificent crop hat God had planted in my heart. With the help of my almighty God I have learned to hold my tongue, but i still have a long road ahead of me. Isn't it funny that as soon as you allow God to pluck out the weeds the enemy begins to plant different ones on the other side of the field. But no matter how hard he tries I know that my almighty father is in control and the enemy cannot keep me from the amazing plan that God has laid out for me.

I have not only learned to conftrol my tongue and honor my husband, but most of all I've learned honor God with my mouth, my heart and every breath that I take. He has reached down inside of me and dug deep to get to the heart of the matter....he has healed tremendous pain in my life and has restored me gently and lovingly.

Thank you God for coming into my heart...

LOST

Lost:
1 : not made use of, won, or claimed

2 a : no longer possessed b : no longer known

3 : ruined or destroyed physically or morally

4 a : taken away or beyond reach or attainment

5 a : unable to find the way b : no longer visible c : lacking assurance or self-confidence : helpless

6 : rapt, absorbed

7 : not appreciated or understood

8 : obscured or overlooked during a process or activity

9 : hopelessly unattainable

At some form or way; today I felt more than a few of these definitions.

Psalm 40:1 "I waited patiently fro the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry"

Lord, I am patiently waiting to hear from you...

I love you more today

During the last few months that my husband has been unemployed, he has found himself getting closer and closer to God. As a wife, it makes my heart beat stronger to see him so involved in his studies and becoming the man that God made him to be.

A few weeks ago he said to me "I love you more today than I did when I married you". I made me smile and cry at the same time because I felt the same way. God has done many wonderful things for our marriage, but the most significant thing he has done is save our marriage. We are far from perfect, but I like to say that now we have become "one". He often kisses me sweetly on my cheek and says " I love you my wiffey, bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh".

So why am I sharing all of this corny stuff you say? well let me tell you why...

4 years ago we could not even stand to look at each other....that's why. God has changed both of us for the better, he has worked on us individually and together. Often times I think about how far God has brought us and how he has a purpose for out marriage.

During the last 8 years we have been trying to have a baby and year after year we have been unsuccessful. We've had countless doctor's appointment, countless test and on and on and on... that has definitely brought some heartache into out marriage. My husband has been wanting a baby for years and I was not able to give him the child that he wanted. After trying for 5 years I convinced myself that I did not want to have a baby anymore so I wouldn't have to think about it anymore and it wouldn't hurt as much. In other words and to be honest...I had lost faith.
For the next few years I lost faith that we would ever have a baby, and I often times kicked my self for not believing.

Through a lot of prayer and encouragement from my wonderful husband my faith has been restored. I BELIEVE that God WILL bless us with a child. Now all we have to do is be patient...
My husband and I pray constantly and he keeps telling me " It's all in God's perfect timing" and I DO believe that with every piece of my body and soul. I believe that all those years that we tried to have a baby God was working on our hearts and souls, and looking back; we where NOT ready to receive his blessing. So today I can tell you that I love my husband more than they day I married him and I can't wait to see the perfect plan that God has for us, and the many blessings that await us.

WHAT DID YOU PUT ON THIS???

So most of you know that I have a wonderful pre-teen daughter that I love to death...She is for the most part a GREAT kid. She has been going through the pre-teen stuff like talking back and not listening the first time I tell her to do things.
Now being that I am not used to this kind of behavior because I've only had one kid, and my teaching experience is only as far as 5 years old...well it has been a little interesting. So from 5 years of age it all has been a learning experience for all of us, sometimes I do the right thing and sometimes I don't...It's all part of parenting.

I know that there is a gazillion books on parenting and so on and so forth...but the one thing that has been driving me nuts I can't seem to beat. For the last 5 months everything I give my kid to eat she has something to complain about!! what the heck!?? I know I am a good cook and I can make great food...I mean I'm no "Paula Dean" or "Rachael Ray" but I KNOW I can cook. She takes the first bite of ANYTHING on her plate and asks "What did you put on this?" I look at her and say "spices...food..you know...cooking things"...and then she looks away and says "well it tastes different" then I say "You've had this before...It's NOT cooked any different, and you liked it then"...and then she moves on to argue with me on how she has never had whatever I gave her before and how she is "FULL" all of a sudden... what the heck???!!
I know she is trying not to hurt my feelings by telling me she doesn't like it, but she rather eat processed "macaroni and cheese" and all that other crap that is out there. Where did I go wrong?? I mean this was the girl that loved taking a vegetable medley container to school for snack, she loved vegetables!!! She used to tell her friends to come over to eat because "her mommy's food was so good" She will still eat vegetables but not with any enthusiasm....and let me tell you that I haven't heard her invite her friends over to eat..she rather go to their house and eat :( It makes me so sad...

For the last 5 months I have been doubting myself as a cook. I don't know what else to do for her. The rule at my house is "You don't have to eat it if you don't like it, but you must try it at least twice (2 bites) , If you decide not to eat it Oh well...that's what's for dinner and the kitchen is closed " Do kids taste buds change when the hit puberty or something??? Because I'm assuming that IS what is happening to my kid. Unless I have truly become a horrible cook...
I just pray that God gives me strength to deal with her attitude...

Anyways, there is no point to this blog by the way...I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

This is a picture of the "Chicken Piccata" I love to make.

Breaking down the walls and building up the soul.

Over the last month our family has been experiencing a lot of hardship. I'm not going to go into the details of it because most of the people that know me well already know what I am talking about. There has been a lot of times when I have no idea how the heck I am going to make it to work, do my job and come back home in without falling apart.
During the past 2 months, I have doubted, yelled, cried, worried, been awake for countless nights and lost 6 pounds due to stress. I let my human nature take over, when I could have given it to God and he could have given me peace.

Three months ago things were looking good for us as a family, we had big plans and It looked like everything was falling into place. Then the unexpected happened, things started to fall apart real quick. I had so much faith that God was going to give us what WE had planned for us. Then circumstances happened that prevented us from doing anything that we had planned for...not even one thing. It took a lot of painful nights and a lot of prayer to realize that what WE had planned for us was NOT what God had planned for us. Those plans were either on hold or God had something so much better for us. I was disappointed at myself for ever doubting God, and I was angry at myself for trying to fix it on my own. I prayed day and night for God to give me faith...

Matthew 17:20

"Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

God placed amazing people around my family that prayed, cried, and provided for us. It was these amazing people that helped me realize that I had to put my pride aside, and become vulnerable and transparent. Being transparent is something that is REALLY hard for me, but with the help of prayer, the amazing people around us and God I was able to break down those walls. I am SO amazingly blessed for each and everyone one of these people, specially when it came to my husbands health.

Isaiah 41:6

each helps the other and says to his brother, "Be strong!"

This whole experience has definitely built up our souls and has brought our family closer to God. Our faith has been tested but it was never absent....I know that sometimes our biggest struggles are our greatest blessings. Though we are not out of the pit, I have no doubt that God will see us through this...He has shown us his love by sending us our extended family in our time of need...our church family, and for that we will always be thankful.

Colossians 3:15

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.