Don't get me wrong, my mother and my father were the best married couple i had ever seen in my life, and still to this day i think that of them. My mother was an amazing mother, she loved us, took care of us, she disciplined us, she was wonderful. My father was hardworking, a jack of all trades, he was selfless and you always found him helping other people. Though my mother was loving, my father on the other hand was not. My father was a great provider, but when it came to feelings...well...he was lacking in that department. I loved my father so much, but he did not how to express his feelings, there was no hugging, no "i love you" , no "how was your day". My father was a man of VERY few words, and because i craved that fatherly bond i found myself following him a lot. I wanted nothing but to be like him, i thought that if i became more like him he would love me more, he would hug me more or tell me that he loved me.
I remember one particular moment as a child that i pretended to fall asleep in the couch of our living room just so my dad would carry me to bed. That was my way of getting my dad to "hug me". As i grew older, i became more and more like my father. I became hardworking, actually a workaholic, there was not time for tears no time for anything emotional. I looked up to my father that's all i knew, I just knew that i had to provide for my daughter and that was it.
How does this all tie into Part One...
With me growing up with the sense that "shouldn't talk about my feelings" and having to share with my small group about EVERYTHING that was eating me from the inside out, was by fare on the hardest things i had to do in my life.
I had lived like that for many years suppressing my feelings and thoughts. And as the people in my small group where talking about the trials that they where having in their lives, the pain inside my body became increasingly painful.
Although i had been in this small group for years, i still felt that my problems where to much for other people to be burdened with and i just focused on helping other people (just like my father). Let me tell you that God had blessed me with amazing people in my life, including the people in my small group. They have been there for my family through thick and thin, they also believe that God has an amazing plan for me my husband and daughter. One that goes beyond our wildest dreams.
After they had laid their hands on me and prayed over us (me and my husband), like i said; the weight of oppression and the physical pain that i was feeling had completely left me. That night i slept like a baby and i knew that God was NOT done with me yet.
That weekend i went to church with a little bit more enthusiasm, hoping that this day would be the day that God revealed something amazing that he would do in my life. The sermon was very enlightening, but there was no amazing revelation on what God wanted me to do next. I will admit that i was a little disappointed, but i hadn't given up yet. As i walked through the foyer there was a display and a table for a men's retreat. Knowing that we had absolutely NO MONEY for my husband to go, i approached the table to speak to the men that where manning the table. I felt that i HAD to send my husband away to be closer to God and what better way to spend time with God than to spend some time in the mountains with other amazing Christian men. I didn't know how i was going to do it, but i knew he HAD to go, after everything that i had put him through i knew he needed a break from the stress from home and from me.
I told Dave that our finances where not very good right now and that i REALLY wanted my husband to go to this men's retreat, that he NEEDED to go. I also asked if there was a way i could make payments or something...He looked at me straight in the eye and said "Deandre! we love him! sign him up there is always a way, God always makes a way!". In the meantime this woman named Sharri approached the table right as i was going to start to sign my husband up for the retreat that i had no idea how i was going to pay for and she said to me "Don't worry i am writing you a check right now". I was so overwhelmed i broke down right there on the table in the foyer. I hugged her so tight and kept saying "thank you! thank you!" She said to me "It's all God, we know how important it is for our men to got to these things".
After i thanked her for the hundredth time i ran as fast as i could to find my husband, who at the time was working in the children's department at our church. He was so excited that he had been sponsored to go, and i was so relieved that he was going to go away!!! I know it sounds bad, but 5 months without a job, he felt like he was less of a man for not being able to provide, bills pilling up, and on top of that a depressed wife...believe me he NEEDED to go!
As he got ready to go for the weekend, the feelings of loneliness started to set in. Of course i sucked it up, i was not going to keep my husband from going away. The first night was ok, the second night was horrible. I wanted to call him so bad, i wanted to hear his voice and i wanted him to console me as he had been doing all this time but i didn't. This was his time to be with the Lord, and besides i didn't want him to worry about me. It was 10:45 pm and i was sitting in my couch feeling this awful loneliness, i had no idea how much i had become dependent on him this entire time i was depressed until he had gone for the weekend. Then the phone rang! It was him! I answered the phone and he said to me "I love you so much, and I'm so glad i came". We talked for a few minutes about the amazing presence of the Lord that was out there with them and we hang up. The feeling of loneliness was replaced with happiness, i was so happy that my husband got to be so close to God.
It was Sunday morning and i did not want to get up, the depression was settling in once again. All of a sudden i felt like someone had pressed a "button" and i got up from bed. There was no emotions in what i was doing, i was just moving. I got in the shower, got my daughter ready, and told my daughter we were going to try a new church. She looked at me a little shocked but did not question my decision, she just got in the car and went with me.
Now, I DON'T GO TO NEW PLACES!!! That is SO out of character for me, but God had a plan for me and i wasn't about to tell him no. We arrived at the church, and i got to tell you that when i saw the church the first feeling of the day arrived...i started feeling nervous. I walked in to the most unusual place...a theater, that's where they met. I immediately felt the presence to the Lord in the people around me and when i walked into the actual "sanctuary" well...i felt this overwhelming sense of peace, love, happiness and relief. I began to cry and at that moment I KNEW that God wanted me there, right there at that church.
The fire that had been dormant inside of me had been reignited, and i felt the presence of the Lord in my life again. The Lord was no longer silent, he was speaking to me loud and clear! At the end of the service i was so full of life that i could not wait to go home and share it with my husband (which by the way he was on his way home by this time).
Before the end of the service the Pastor announced that there would be a membership class and that people where welcome to come even just to find more about the church. I really wanted to go home and be there when my husband arrived but i knew i had to make sure that this church was aligned with what i believed about salvation, and Jesus etc. So i went to the class and dragged my daughter along. The pastor was amazing and so where the people, but i was little worried that my daughter would not be able t connect since she was a little shy. So as i was sitting there listening to Pastor Jeremy talk i asking the Lord in my heart for my daughter to connect if THIS church indeed was the church that he wanted my family in.
God answered, my daughter connected and she was so happy! Like i said before, God has an amazing plan for us! And if you are wondering what happened next, well we are well on our way out of the pit and God has done amazing things in our lives!
Until Next time....
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