Hurt on Purpose

Angry, Angry, Angry...

That's the way i felt the other day...

I was so angry that anyone would do something purposely to hurt me and my husband. I wanted to explode and say so many things that at the moment would have probably been very hurtful to that other person as well. As I sat there ranting and raving to my husband about how wrong "It" was my husband just looked at me and said "babe, don't worry about it". God blessed me with an understanding, patient husband for a reason, he is the perfect balance to my personality and my life. My heart began to sink and I felt that God was convicting me.

I wanted to march right over to that person and give them a piece of my mind, but I didn't...It was as if God had chained me to where I was sitting to prevent me from being a really awful person. Several years ago, I realized that if God was going to use my life I had to gain control of my tongue, keep my tongue from talking evil, and my lips from speaking deceit, as the psalmist David says. I had a choice. I could hurt people with my words...and i could do that well, or I could bring my lips into subjection to God. Obviously, I wanted to subject to the Lord, but it was still a battle.
I went to my room and my heart continued to fill with sadness, I was sad that someone would hurt us that way and sad at myself for feeling SO angry. I opened my bible and I immediately saw this verse,

Colossians 3:8
But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.

Our words are expressions of our hearts, of whats going on inside of us. As I began to listen to my own words, I also began to learn more about myself. Some of the things I learned did not please me, but did they help me realize that I had a character flaw that needed to be addressed.

Yes I am a Christian, yes I do pray...but I am also human and therefore not perfect. But i also know that I have a choice to make when it comes to matters such as this, and for a moment I let the enemy fill my heart with anger. But God's presence is SO much stronger in my life that God immediately help me diffuse that fire that in another time in my life would have probably spun out of control. Through out the years I have let God teach me about his everlasting love, his forgiveness and mercifulness and I wanted nothing more than to please God...



So I let go of the situation and refuse to let the enemy fill my heart with anger anymore, I choose to forgive, continue to love and forget...

Matthew 5:39
But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

The sadness that lives inside of me.

A few weeks ago my pastor (who is amazing by the way) was teaching a series that talked about risks...risk that we are willing to take as Christians to be able to bring glory to God....even if you stand alone.

In our notes there was a spot that had the question "What have you risked for God?". When i read it i instantly knew what i was going to write in that one blank spot, there was a specific time in my life where i knew that God was putting me up for a test and that i gave up something that meant so much to me. But while i was sitting there and i remembered that time in my life there was an overwhelming sense of sadness that filled my heart, it had been a real painful time in my life. I had played tug-o-war with God for months which made it even more painful.

I think that till this day i have not recovered from the hurt that i had gone through and i have not asked God to fill that void that lives inside of me. Even now as I'm writing this i have begun crying...

That blank line on that piece of paper made me think a lot about what i wanted to do in my life and how things have been SO different since i decided to "let go". Although i may get sad sometimes about what went on in my life , i does not compare to the joy that i have experienced since i decided to obey God. He has blessed me tremendously and i can already see him working on filling that void inside of me...

He has strategically placed wonderful people in my life...

Being a mom...

Well to day was my daughters first day of 5th grade. I had been nervous all weekend long and at times i wanted to cry. She is my one and only and she is the amazing blessing that God gave me, and how God literally saved my life. If it wasn't for that one blessing i would have probably been dead...but that is not what this is about...ask me later if you want to know.

This morning my stomach was probably turning more than hers, i can't believe how much time flies by. Whats the big deal you say? well if my memory serves me right, 5th grade for me was very hard. It's that age when you start deciding who you want to be and friends influence just about every decision you make. Last year i decided that i was going to move her to another school because the school that she attended was not meeting her needs (and she had been coming home with some really bad attitude), it was hard decision for me and my husband but we knew we needed to do what was best for her.

It's hard being a parent, there have been many times where i have doubted myself. I am my own worst critic and being a parent makes it harder for me. I love my girl so much and i know that every choice i make on her behalf is for her benefit not mine. Here is a short conversation we had the other day...

We were at Walmart this weekend buying her the rest of the things she needed before school, some clothes and shoes...we were in the store and she saw something that she wanted. We had already spent a lot of money on clothes and stuff, so we where just there to buy last minute things.

Mallory: Mom!!! come here!!

Me: what is it?

Mallory: Can i have this please???!!

I walked over to where she was standing...

Me: Mallory...why do you really want that? (it was shirt that had some sort of MP3 player attached)

Mallory: i like the shirt...

Me: yeah right!!

She laughed and I laughed and we walked away...then she proceeded to hug me and said...

Mallory: You are my mommy and i love you...you are my "NO" mom...

Me: Your "NO" mom???

Mallory: yeah you are my "NO" mommy...

Me: Yes you are right...i do say "No" to a lot of things that YOU DON'T NEED...

Mallory: I know..

Me: Tell me something..how do you think you would be like if i didn't say NO to you?

She paused for a moment and then looked down and said...

Mallory: I would be....selfish...

Me: You are probably right...and i only want what is best for you...

Mallory: That's why i love my mommy!!!

Then she hugged me and i kissed her and we continued shopping...

I love that she understood that i do what i do for a reason...because I LOVE HER...

She had a wonderful first day of school...and she was happy when she came home. I know that God has a plan for her, i sure hope that he can give me the wisdom to be the mom HE wants me to be.

Here is some pictures of her first day....

doesn't she look so excited?


i love my big girl...


her room number


stop taking my picture mom!!


so big...