I was laying on my bed thinking about a few of the things that God has taught me over the years...and this is one of the ones I felt he was telling me to write about...don't know why...but I will be obedient, so here we go....
Though the years as I've walked with God i discovered a lot of things about myself. I've discovered that what comes out of my mouth comes from my heart, I've discovered that a lot of my crying has been a part of a healing process that many times I forbid my self to have, and I've discovered that I'm a bigger softy than I was.
I have always been known as the "honest one"...actually way too honest. Friends used to tell me that I had no buffer when it came to my opinion. And they were right. I was never afraid of saying what I was thinking, or what was going thought my mind no matter whose feelings were hurt. I believed that there was no point in trying to pretend to like something or a person, if i didn't like it i said it. Many times I was told "I was a afraid of you"...Of course now I know that I was wrong.
Quite a few years ago my husband and I took a ministry gifts test at our old church. On of my main gifts according to that test was that gift of exaltation...can you believe that? I laughed so hard and then...I was confused. I said to myself how am I going to encourage people if I NEVER have anything nice to say.
I showed the test to one my husbands aunts who is a missionary in Africa, I figured she would tell me the test was wrong or that I needed to take it again. I was really looking for some sort of guidance....To my surprise this is what she said "God has a lot of work to do with you" and "You needed to learn how to speak to your husband, you are not his mother...you are his wife"...oh yes!! you read that right! I was livid!!! I was always taught to respect my elders so I bit my tongue...until we got in the car to go home that is. I remember crying and yelling at my husband and telling him "who does she think she is?!!" "she doesn't know how WE joke around" "she doesn't know anything about me" "how dare she judge me and tell me that I am a bad wife???!"...For the first time I had gotten a little bit of my own medicine, and it was a though pill to swallow...I resented her for many years, and I avoided going to see her at all cost.
Now as I look back and I replay what happened that day, I know now what she was really trying to say to me...My heart was as hard a rock during that time, and everything that came out of my mouth was like a poison.
Luke 6:45
The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.
I know NOW that what she said that day was out of love not out of judgment. I wasn't until about four years ago that I allowed God to dig deep into my heart and pull out all those weeds that were taking over my heart. I had a lot of pain in my heart from my past, and I was using my mouth as defense mechanism. I used to think that getting emotional was for the weak. I remember right after I decided to let God in I could not stop crying...I asked one of my dear friends "what the heck is happening to me??" she said "it's all part of the healing process" then she handed me a book by Joyce Mayer called "Finding Peace for Your Heart". I spent the next few weeks reading it and asking God to soften my heart...It was then that I completely understood the damage I had caused my husband with my words. I understood how I was dishonoring God by dishonoring my husband and I felt horrible.
I apologized to my husband for being and awful wife, I asked God for forgiveness and I decided that would no longer let the weeds take over the magnificent crop hat God had planted in my heart. With the help of my almighty God I have learned to hold my tongue, but i still have a long road ahead of me. Isn't it funny that as soon as you allow God to pluck out the weeds the enemy begins to plant different ones on the other side of the field. But no matter how hard he tries I know that my almighty father is in control and the enemy cannot keep me from the amazing plan that God has laid out for me.
I have not only learned to conftrol my tongue and honor my husband, but most of all I've learned honor God with my mouth, my heart and every breath that I take. He has reached down inside of me and dug deep to get to the heart of the matter....he has healed tremendous pain in my life and has restored me gently and lovingly.
Thank you God for coming into my heart...
