Breaking down the walls and building up the soul.

Over the last month our family has been experiencing a lot of hardship. I'm not going to go into the details of it because most of the people that know me well already know what I am talking about. There has been a lot of times when I have no idea how the heck I am going to make it to work, do my job and come back home in without falling apart.
During the past 2 months, I have doubted, yelled, cried, worried, been awake for countless nights and lost 6 pounds due to stress. I let my human nature take over, when I could have given it to God and he could have given me peace.

Three months ago things were looking good for us as a family, we had big plans and It looked like everything was falling into place. Then the unexpected happened, things started to fall apart real quick. I had so much faith that God was going to give us what WE had planned for us. Then circumstances happened that prevented us from doing anything that we had planned for...not even one thing. It took a lot of painful nights and a lot of prayer to realize that what WE had planned for us was NOT what God had planned for us. Those plans were either on hold or God had something so much better for us. I was disappointed at myself for ever doubting God, and I was angry at myself for trying to fix it on my own. I prayed day and night for God to give me faith...

Matthew 17:20

"Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

God placed amazing people around my family that prayed, cried, and provided for us. It was these amazing people that helped me realize that I had to put my pride aside, and become vulnerable and transparent. Being transparent is something that is REALLY hard for me, but with the help of prayer, the amazing people around us and God I was able to break down those walls. I am SO amazingly blessed for each and everyone one of these people, specially when it came to my husbands health.

Isaiah 41:6

each helps the other and says to his brother, "Be strong!"

This whole experience has definitely built up our souls and has brought our family closer to God. Our faith has been tested but it was never absent....I know that sometimes our biggest struggles are our greatest blessings. Though we are not out of the pit, I have no doubt that God will see us through this...He has shown us his love by sending us our extended family in our time of need...our church family, and for that we will always be thankful.

Colossians 3:15

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

Break My Heart

What breaks you heart? ...

I know what breaks mine...One of my prayers to God within the last year has been for God to soften my heart. Many years ago my heart was so hard, I did not care about anyone else but me. God has really been working on my humility and the way I let myself trust people.

There is a song by Hillsong United called "Hosanna" that God seems to send me a message through. There is a part that says "Break my heart for what breaks yours" and for the longest time it has been my prayer. I have prayed to God to break my heart when I encounter something that breaks his heart, that he uses me to make things right around me.

I encountered that sadness about a month ago when I fed a homeless man....
I was on my way to the grocery store, and I was in a hurry because I wanted to make sure that I got home before my husband got home. I wanted to have dinner ready.
As I was walking in and I happen to notice a homeless man leaning against a column right outside the entrance of my neighborhood Vons. Since I was in hurry I did not make eye contact but I knew he was there. There was something about him that made me feel so sad inside...
When I was inside the grocery store I could not stop thinking about that man standing there in the cold. I quickly grabbed what I needed and proceeded to the check stand...and as I was standing there this verse came into my head..

Matthew 25:35-36

^"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."

So I paid for my groceries and began to walk out...I walked past the homeless man, but on my way there I happened to make eye contact for a quick second. He had the most beautiful piercing blue eyes I had ever seen...they reminded me of the ocean. So I walked to my car put my groceries on the car and walked back to the homeless man. I stopped and asked him "are you hungry?" and he looked right up at me and said "yes ma'am I am" I said "wait right here, I'll be right back, don't leave"...he shook his head yes and I ran back into the grocery store.

I walked up and down the aisles and picked out a bunch of can goods,water and fruit that he could keep for days. I walked back out and handed him the bags of groceries he grabbed my hand and kept saying "thank you so much, thank you so much" I stared at him right into his beautiful blue eyes and said "you are welcome, God bless you". I walked to my car and got in...and as i started my car I began to cry and then sob uncontrollably. I had no idea what was happening to me...then It hit me... I was feeling a glimpse of the sadness that God felt when one of his children is lost and hurting.

I had asked God to break MY heart for what broke HIS . Let me tell you that It was a sadness I had never felt before. As I was sitting in my car falling apart I began to pray and to ask God to use me for his glory. I knew I had to get home so I turned my car on and drove myself home. I have no idea how I got home because all I remember Is crying ALL the way home. After I got home I began to wonder about that man, how he got there? where he slept? what had happen in his life to have landed him there, homeless and hungry?

I now open my eyes more to my surroundings and listen more attentively to what God might say to me. I sometimes feel that It was Jesus himself who shook my hand and said "thank you". All i know now is that God loves his children SO much, and that he suffers when we are sad.

When the answer is NO...

I remember growing up in a home where mom was the boss, and my dad was the provider. My mom always made the decisions and when it came to the kids...dad would NEVER get involved.
Even though my dad never got involved, I was HIS girl. He would always bring me my favorite pastry, candy or whatever I wanted right before dinner without my mom knowing, my dad liked to spoil my appetite before dinner ;).
I loved my dad and he hardly ever said NO to me. It didn't take long to figure out how to manipulate my parents. When I wanted to go somewhere and I knew my mom would say no, I would ask my dad first because he would say yes and then my mom HAD to say yes...(by the way I caught my daughter doing that last month...and then I told my husband that he could not say yes to anything she asked until WE discussed it together).

Once I turned ten, my father realized that I was NO longer a little girl. The first time my father said NO I went on a rebellious rampage that led from one bad decision to the next, and with no parental guidance on site It only got worse as the days went by (my mother lived in the hospital until I was 14 an my father worked the second shift). Who knew that one of the most stupid decisions of my life was going to lead me to road of salvation....

When I got saved I felt like my heavenly father gave me a lot of things that I prayed for even when I felt I didn't deserve it (kinda like my earthly father). I have grown so much over the years, and I have also learned that the answer is not always yes. I remember the first time my heavenly father said No to me, my father died that day when he went in for a simple procedure that the doctor said would not take long, and my father would be great. Hours upon hours went by and finally the doctor called us in and said that my father had suffered cardiac arrest, and that they could not resuscitate him in time so his brain had died from not receiving enough oxygen. I remember crying out to God so hard that I felt like my chest was going to explode, I wanted God to bring him back, to save him, to bring him back to my mother. But God said NO.

What happens to us when the answer is NO? Does our faith in God change? Do we turn our backs? For a few people sadly that is the answer. Not for me...I decided that there had to be a reason why God was saying NO to me, for little while I thought that God was not listening to me. Little did I know that God had already responded by not responding. As I matured in my Christian walk, my prayers have changed from "God take away this pain" to "God help me bear this pain and help me learn what you are trying to teach me". There is ALWAYS a lesson to be learned. God only wants what is best for us, and he would NEVER say yes to one of our prayer if it meant it could possibly lead us away from him or hurt us.
We often times think that because God IS God, he wont let our father die, or we wont loose our job, or one of our family members wont be terminally ill after all. Well you know what? Sometimes our father calls our father to heaven, sometimes God had bigger plans for us other than that job, and sometimes it takes an illness to bring you closer to God. The answer will NOT always be YES, only God knows what he has planned for all of us. In fact sometimes for our own good, or that of others, "NO" is the only answer a loving God would give.
I am VERY thankful for all the prayers in which God has said YES, but none of those have brought me closer to the Lord than the ones in which the answer was NO.

Keep this in mind when you YOUR answer is NO:

I. God always has an answer...and like it or not "NO" is an answer too.

II. Just because God will not, does not mean He CANNOT. He is able to do abundantly more than we can ask or even think. (Eph 3:20-21)

III. We don't always know what His purpose is, but we can affirm THAT it is; and because of what God has revealed to us of Himself; we know that His purpose is all-loving and all-wise

Climbing the Mountain

Since the beginning of time, God's desire was to have a family. In fact, he expressed it when he created Adam and Eve. The book of Genesis also declares that "it was not good for man to be alone" (2:18). These opening passages should remind us that we were created to be communing with God and other people. But many of us have chosen NOT to be a part of God’s family for several different reasons; personality, past experiences, fear and so on.


Imagine this... You are getting ready to climb the highest mountain on Earth. You do not have a map, a plan or a partner. You know you must climb it, but you have no idea where to begin. And so you start your journey. On you way up, you fall, break your bones, cut yourself and even slip back all the way to square one. You are proud and you will not give up so you try again, not realizing that on top of having to climb the mountain you may have to deal with the weather. So now you are either freezing or overheating...

After so many tries and failed attempts you begin to get discouraged and your spirit begins to break. Though your spirit might be broken you still get up again and give it another shot. When you finally get to the top, you realize that you are there alone, with permanent damage caused to your body and your spirit. Many of us have been there…including me.

Ask yourself this, "Did I have to endure all that pain alone? And how much less pain would I have gone through if I had someone pulling me along, encouraging me, praying for me, and sometimes even preparing me for my journey? God gives us the experiences in our lives to be able to help each other along the way (Galatians 6:2). God uses every experience for his glory. I can personally account for that. Did you know that one of the worst forms of punishment for a criminal is solitary confinement? Why do you think that is? BEACAUSE WE ARE NOT MEANT TO BE ALONE!

Being a part of God’s family is one of God’s purposes for your life. That was his plan for you before you were born. The entire bible is a story of God building a family who will love him, honor him and reign with him forever. So, how do we accomplish that? The invitation to be a part of God’s family is universal, but there is one condition: faith in Jesus. Jesus helps us learn how to help each other, love each other, and be there for each other (John 13:34, Rom 12:10, Eph 4:2). We are born again into God’s family through faith. Once we become part of God’s family we are blessed to inherit everything that our Father has to offer.

I know what is like to internalize everything. I know what it is like to be proud and put up a front as if everything is okay. But I, like many other people, have gone through a lot of pain and unnecessary heartache. Don’t get me wrong, I have learned a lot about myself through those experiences and God has taught me a lot about the kind of person he wants me to be. But now that I have decided to be a part of God’s family, that mountain looks like a small hill. So if you are facing a mountain or a small hill, know that there are people out there that want to climb with you, help you along and pray with you. God strategically placed people in you life to help you grow, to help you conquer and reach the top so that TOGETHER we can bring him glory.

The Power Of God's Presence in Our Lives

About 8 years ago someone once told me that God had a great plan for me, and that if I allowed God in my life magnificent things would happen. At that time I believed in God but was not a real follower o Jesus. Now I have reached a point in my life where I want nothing else but to please God and fulfill the plan that he has for me. I have experienced MANY wonderful miracles in my life and i owe it all to my God.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The more that you allow God to come into your life the more he will shine through you and use you for his good.

My work environment is not the best environment, there is juts to much drama and it's really hard to keep everyone happy. There is such a lack of appreciation and thankfulness around that place that I decided to go a mission. I decided that twice a month I would go out of my way to say "Thank You" and "I appreciate you" to 6 people that I work with every month. It would be by making them a card, getting them a small something to make them feel special...yeah even those people that are not to fond of me. It may do something or It may not, i do believe that God has a purpose for putting this idea in my heart...

I began by choosing 6 girls and gave them a small garden pot full of candy, a small flower and a home made card. Out of the 6 there was only 5 girls that where there on that day, but I still left the small token on that other persons desk. Take into consideration that I work alone in my office but I handle 2 floors of phone calls, and I transfer calls to these girls all day long. If i do get to speak to them is mostly about patient accounts and really nothing personal.

I arrived at my desk this morning and I checked my email as usual and I noticed I had a message from the one girl that had not been there the day I passed out the goodies and this is what it read...

"I returned to work today after being on Bereavement for two days to find a beautiful flower arrangement with a thank you card from you. It put a smile on my face and just made my day. I want to thank you for thinking of us and doing such meaningful things. I also know that you like to share the love of God with those who surround you and let me tell you that He must be Big in your life. Thanks again."

You know what? It made MY DAY, and on top of it all it was meaningful to me because I don't talk to that girl! We have maybe said 10 words to each other since I began working at this place. We have crossed paths many times but never carried on a full conversation...

God overflows the love that lives inside of us onto others, to bless those around us...

Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

I can't wait to see what God does next!!...

FEAR

What is fear?
A painful emotion or passion excited by the expectation of evil, or the apprehension of impending danger; apprehension; anxiety; solicitude; alarm; dread. Fear is a chain reaction in the brain that starts with a stressful stimulus and ends with the release of chemicals that cause a racing heart, fast breathing and energized muscles among other things, also known as the fight-or-flight response. The stimulus could be a spider, a knife at your throat, an auditorium full of people waiting for you to speak or the sudden thud of your front door against the door frame.

I always thought fear belonged to others...right until on a Sunday night when I was laying in my bed back in November. I don't mean like the fear you feel when you are afraid of a spider, or get startled because someone you were not expecting jumps in front of you...
I mean gut wrenching fear, evil...life changing...

4 months ago I began a fight with a circumstance that could possibly forever change my life. I let fear consume me because for a moment there I doubted the one thing that held me together...GOD. Yes I am human after all...and very weak at times.

As I've been traveling this road of uncertainty, I have had more downs than up because I let my thoughts control me. And as the days and weeks went by the fear became so severe that It became affecting who I was, who I always wanted to be. It's funny because from then on, one bad circumstance after the other started happening...It was like a never ending fight for survival.

When evil gets a hold of your thoughts It is really hard to get back on track, and on some days I felt juts like Job did...

Job 3:25-26 "What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil."

I truly believed that God strategically places people in you life for a reason. He has without a doubt, placed some of the most magnificent group of people in my life. They have been there for me without judging me, praying for me and guiding my way back to where i used to be. The fear inside of me began to fade thanks to the prayers and God's amazing grace. God lovingly reminded me that he had never let go of me, that during this turmoil I was ALWAYS in his arms and that he NEVER once left me. When evil don't win...evil gets angry and it will do anything in his power to get a grip once again of your life, and take hold of everything that brings you closer to God.

I am happy to say that I have found my way back and don't ever want to be there again. Like I said before, the fight for my life has lasted a long time. About two weeks ago I had to be rushed to an OR (operating room) during what I thought would be a routine procedure, because I had uncontrollable bleeding. Like I said evil does not like to loose...

I always wondered if it would be like a movie, it actually kind of felt that way. As I sat at that table and my husband watched me bleed out...fear began to set in once again. The doctor ran in and said something to me that reminded me of God's amazing love and grace...It was like God was talking directly to me through that doctor...as i took my first deep breath right before I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack he said " Take a deep breath,don't be afraid, I will take care of you" and then I looked at him and It was almost immediately that the same fear that almost took over me had disappeared in a matter of seconds. At that moment regardless of the results of that exam or the surgery I was going to have...I KNEW that everything was going to ok.

Psalm 34:4
I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

My God is faithful.

I am happy to say that I am on my way to recovery and I know that even when I am caught in the midst of a storm my God will be right there with me...

Why I Love My Husband

My last week meltdown really brought me down to think of how grateful I am to have my husband. There are many reasons why God brought us together, and many reasons why I love him. I decided to write out a list of reasons why I love my husband including what he does for me to make me happy. I am truly blessed as you will see...

1. He still opens doors for me
2.He rubs my back so I can go to sleep at night
3.He kisses on me even when I am in a bad mood
4.He packs my lunch
5.He always ends his conversations with "I love you"
6.He will go out of his way to make me happy
7.He buys me flowers
8.He is a loving father
9.He laughs at my jokes and I love the way he laughs
10.He encourages me to follow my dreams
11. He forgives me when I am wrong
12.He buys my favorite drinks/snacks for me
13.He calls me randomly just to tell me he loves me
14.He cooks when I don't feel like cooking (without burning the house down)
15.He usually gives me possession of the remote control ;)
16.He willingly watches sappy chick flicks with me
17.He sometimes brushes my hair after the shower
18.He doesn’t complain when I bring him with me to go shopping
19. He helps me raise our daughter…he’s truly a partner
20.He lets me do some different projects to keep me from getting bored around here, and then picks up the pieces for me
21.He ALWAYS takes out the trash
22.He gets really excited when I buy him music
23.He doesn’t need the latest and greatest of everything to stay happy–is committed to trying to keep thing simple as possible so we can just enjoy family.
24.He runs any errand I ask him to without hesitation or complaints
25.He ALWAYS helps me clean the house
26.He loves God
27. He uses his spiritual gifts and likes to serve others and makes me proud.
28.He brings out the best in me
29.He will wake up in the middle of the night just to go get something I am craving.
30.He gets excited about the things that I get excited about
31.When I run out of steam, he picks up and gets going. I love him for that, and don’t deserve it at all.
32.He has such a HUGE positive insight on everything
33.He worships whole-heartedly beside me; how empowering to my faith .
34.He takes me on dates
35.He holds my hand when we go out and about
36.He always praises my cooking
37.He irons my clothes every morning
38.He picks out a coat for me to wear on cold days and help me put it on before I go outside
39.He yells "I love you babe" out the window when he drops me off at work
40.He loves my family and loves to go over to my mom's house
41.He always thinks of others before himself
42.He wakes up early to read his bible EVERYDAY
43.He can't wait to go to church every Sunday
44.He hardly ever says NO to me (sometimes dangerous but fun!)
45.He will willingly take us sky diving even though he is afraid of heights just because he know I want to do it.
46.He cuddles with me
47.He is always willing to help
48.He loves me even when I go crazy
49.He tells me I am funny and that he loves me because of it
50.He always tries to find an opportunity to share the gospel with non-believers

I love him so much.

The madness inside my head.

Friday was an ok day...i had a doctor's appointment and then went home. I was not happy about the news and honestly a little scared about it. But over all it was an ok day...

Saturday was great. My not so romantic husband attempted to be romantic by making a delicious meal at home. Flowers and candles on the table...it was wonderful...I love him so much for trying.

Sunday morning...It was horrible. I have no idea how it began, but all i knew is that i had an anxiety attack, i was crying and having a complete meltdown and felt like i could not breathe. My husband not knowin what to do decided to ignore it, which in return made it worse. I began to think all these awful things like how my husband didn't care about me and how i could possibly die of an unknown illness that i could very well have, and how we where never going to make it...and on and on. I started crying so hard that it was so hard for me to breathe. What the heck was wrong with me????
A long time ago, i suffered from anxiety and it was not pretty. I avoided social situations because i never knew when i was going to have an attack and i did not want to be embarrassed. My doctor said that stress can bring them on...the thing is i don't feel that stressed. I am a little worried but nothing like i used too. Nevertheless i managed to ruin our Sunday with my little episode. I don't blame my husband for wanting to run away, but at the same time i needed him to tell me it was ok, that he was going to protect me ,encourage me, and most of all love me.

After the episode i could not open my eyes...they were so swollen from me crying. I began thinking of how awful i must have been to my husband. I apologized for ruining his Sunday and for being awful to him...he looked at me and said "there is nothing to be sorry about...i love you and am here for you". Those simple words could have been the saving grace at the beginning of all of this...but it was not until the end that he figured out how to calm all the madness in my head. And from that we have grown....

I love my husband. Even though he doesn't always have the right words at the right time, he always figures it out...and he loves me even when i am crazy.

The year ahead.

There has definitely been a lot of ups and downs this last year it has been a year of great growth. God has broke me down, restored me and renewed me in so many ways. I am very grateful for everything that he has shown me in this last short year.

I got to say that I have finally settled in to my job...change is hard and it was SURE hard for me. I had to mold myself and realize that if I was going to succeed I had to make sure that people knew where I stood in my beliefs and do the very best job that I could possibly do. The girl that yelled at me the first week has ended up being a really good acquaintance/teacher, I have gotten to know her and she is very sweet and supportive. She gives me a lot of feed back and she knows I want nothing but to do great job...so now I can go to her when I have a question and she is willing to help me. Funny isn't it?...trust me... a lot of prayer went into that one.

God has also led me to a church called SEVEN this last year, and I have met many amazing people that are now part of my growth. I am most of the time quiet and shy and the personalities at the church have helped me come out of my box. They are amazingly loving people and I always feel at home there. I know that God wanted me to come out of the box I tend to hide myself in and he has placed all those wonderful people around me for that purpose.

I look forward to another year of learning and growth. I have to be patient, I still have a lot of growing to do...

I can't wait! I'm in God's hands! How exciting!!!

In every up and down there is a lesson to be learned and I pray that I don't miss the messages that God is sending me this year...